I wrote this story as an assignment from a mentor. I thought I'd share in case I have any fellow Star Wars fans.:)
I woke up and tears were streaming down my face. That never
happened to me until recently. Putting my feet on the marble floor I made my
way to the balcony off the bedroom. I took in the scene before me and it was
breathtaking. The sun was just starting to peak over the horizon and the colors
played off the windows of all the buildings in the city.
My tears were drying into tracks, and they made my face feel
tight. The dream was the same as it always was. I was chasing him. The ironic
thing about that was that he was asleep in our bed, beside me. Apparently, that
small fact didn’t matter to my heart. The chase took me over incredibly jagged
rocks, and although my feet were bleeding, and although you weren’t supposed to
feel pain in your dreams, the pain I felt was in my heart. I was so incredibly
sad. I needed him and he just wouldn’t
stop, or even slow down and wait for me. He was leaving me behind.
I stood there awhile, my heartbeat slowing, and I gained
some perspective. It wasn’t long until I felt his arms slide around my middle.
They had to reach a lot farther than normal, considering we were expecting a
baby. It was here, in his arms, that I felt most at home. It was as if we fit
together like the pieces of a puzzle. I had to believe that though our love was
not allowed, we were meant to be together nevertheless. There had to be
something greater than us that designed him for me.
I knew he’d been having nightmares too. His were so bad he
tossed and turned and cried out. The bags under his eyes had gotten
progressively worse over the last few weeks. He told me not to worry, but I
couldn’t help myself. I didn’t know how to help him, but I knew I would keep my
dreams to myself rather than worrying him with them too.
I relaxed back into him and sighed. His arms wrapped
tighter. “Good morning, Wife.” He loved to say that in private because the fact
that we were married wasn’t public knowledge. I loved hearing him say it.
“I’m sorry I woke you.”
“Your absence never lets me sleep easily.” I knew how that
felt. He was gone more than he was home. We had short windows of opportunity
between his missions. I didn’t sleep as well when he was gone either. It wasn’t
just that I was worried that he may not come home, although that was a major
concern of mine. No, it was more like half of me was gone, and it was hard to
sleep that way.
I turned so that I was pressed into his neck. He smelled
like him. I wished this would last forever. I wanted to get out of the city and
go to our special place, the place we fell in love and got married, the place I
wanted to raise our child. Everything here was too chaotic and unsettling.
I pulled my head back a little so that I could see his eyes.
They were still looking out at the horizon. When they met mine I saw something
in them that made my heart ache. My husband was scared. He didn’t get scared.
Generally, everything was in his control. Some called him “The Chosen One” and
he strived to be that. It scared me. “Another dream?” He didn’t speak, just
nodded his head. “I’m going to be okay, Ani. You have to know that.” Again, he
said nothing. His dreams were of me dying. They scared him because it was
something that he couldn’t control.
Too quickly his arms left their place around me and my
husband prepared to leave the house for work. I couldn’t explain it clearly,
but I was filled with a sense of foreboding, as if I was the one with
premonitions. But, I wasn’t, Ani was.
When he left, I knew everything was about to change, I just didn’t
understand how. I just wanted him to come back, put his arms back around me,
and let the world take care of itself.
I was restless all
day. I had no explanation for it. As far as I knew, Ani was in town and not in
danger. There came a point in the late afternoon when I felt something in my
world shift. Something was very very wrong. I hoped Ani was okay. It was a very
scary feeling not to know if the one you loved more than anything was safe.
I waited for him to come home. I wanted so much for my fear
to be for nothing. I lay on our bed and I thought about Ani when he was a boy.
He had such a hunger for life. He carried that on in his later years. However,
I also thought of when his mom died and he was unreachable. He felt that way
now sometimes when he talked about not letting me die. I had chosen to forget
about that side of him until now. It was a little disconcerting to think of it
now.
I was so relieved when he arrived home. He said he came to
check on me and the baby, but that he couldn’t stay. He told me some things
that were really hard to believe, but he was my husband and I didn’t doubt him.
The chancellor gave him a mission, and he had to leave immediately, but he said
when he returned, everything would be different. I didn’t know what that meant,
but I knew I was scared about everything.
Although Ani had told me things would be better, I wasn’t so
sure. It seemed to me that the democracy we had spent our lives fighting for
was disintegrating around me. I hoped my husband was confused, that he had been
misled.
It got so much worse when Ani’s best friend and mentor
arrived at our house looking for him. He told me that Anakin had changed sides,
that he had done unspeakable things. I couldn’t, wouldn’t believe that the man
I loved, the man I knew so well, could have changed so dramatically. But, I had
felt a shift in him, hadn’t I? I’d had those horrible dreams about him going
somewhere without me and not allowing me to follow, hadn’t I? I felt the panic
that I did when dreaming those dreams. I felt it rising up, and I couldn’t sit
still. I had to find him. I needed him to enfold me in the home of his arms and
make this whole mess make sense. I just knew he would.
Ani told me where his mission would take him, so I decided
to find him. The flight there was the hardest of my life so far, and I’d come
in close proximity to death quite a few times. When we arrived I sat on the
ship for a few seconds trying to ground myself and remember who I was. I loved
Ani, loved him with my entire soul, but I had to be true to myself too. I’d
dedicated my life to democracy, to my ideals, I knew that was part of me, and I
couldn’t part with it, not for anything.
When I saw him, it was as if I had been taking a bath in ice
water and I was finally able to get out. I ran straight to his arms. He would
tell me that there was a huge misunderstanding, that Obi-Wan was wrong. But,
very quickly it became clear that something was wrong. The words coming out of
his mouth were in his voice, but they weren’t words I could wrap my mind
around. The things he said were not in
line with the things we had always worked so hard for, together. He was not denying the accusations. In fact, he
had done the horrifying things that Obi-Wan said he had. The worst part was
that he was saying that he did it for me. How could he believe I would want
this? He knew me so much better than this. Why would he use our love to justify
this horror?
I backed out of my place in his arms. I’m sure he sensed my
need to put distance between us, and he stiffened, became angry. It was just
like my dream. He was going down a path, only as much as I loved him, I knew it
was a direction I could not go. I told him as much. He got so angry. I begged
him to stop, to come back to me, but he just became even angrier.
It was then that I saw Obi-Wan had followed me to Anakin. My
husband thought I had betrayed him. I saw the anger spark out of control in his
eyes and he became violent with me. This was not the man I loved. It was at
that moment that I realized there was no going back. Anakin was lost to me. In
fact, Anakin was probably just lost. The pain in my heart and the pain my husband
was inflicting on me were too much, my body could not take it, and I felt the
blackness creeping over my consciousness. I welcomed it.
I don’t know how long I was gone, but when I woke I was in a
hospital. I could hear everything everyone said. The medical droids said I was
dying. They said they couldn’t figure it out, but I knew why. My life was over
when Anakin chose the dark side. I could not live in a world where the man I
knew as my greatest hero was the bad guy. I couldn’t live when every waking
moment was like my nightmare. It hurt too much.
I slipped in and out of consciousness. I heard the droids
say something about delivering the babies. Babies?
I didn’t really understand, but soon I was woken by pain in my stomach. I
didn’t want to be this awake. It was excruciating, the physical pain, and the
pain in my heart. I knew my baby was coming, but he or she would be raised in
an entirely different world than the one in which I lived.
Obi-Wan was there, at least there was some semblance of
normalcy. I knew I was screaming and crying, but I couldn’t seem to stop it. It
was unbearable. Soon, Obi-Wan held my son so that I could see him. Something
was wrong though. It still hurt so much. I had picked out names for both a boy
and a girl, and since I wouldn’t be here to see this precious angel grow up, I
knew I could at least give him a name. I could contribute something. Part of me
wanted to get better for this little boy, but I knew it was too late. There was
no getting better. I looked at Obi-Wan, I told him, “Luke.” He nodded, he
understood.
The pain was still crashing in on me in waves, and soon
Obi-Wan was looking at a second baby. They told me it was a girl. I started
crying harder. My babies wouldn’t have a mother or a father. What had Anakin
and I done? Why was our love not enough? Why wouldn’t we be moving to Naboo and
raising our babies together? The pain in my stomach stopped, but suddenly the
pain in my heart was overwhelming. I told Obi-Wan, “Leia.”
As much as I knew it was over for me, I hoped that maybe
someday Anakin would be able to be the man I knew he was. Maybe he would get
better and raise our children. I told Obi-Wan what I knew, and that was; the
man I loved was still there, he couldn’t be completely gone. Maybe they could
bring him back, the babies and Obi-Wan, but I felt the darkness enveloping me
again, and I surrendered to it. I wouldn’t be the one to help him. I couldn’t
help anyone now. Love had been my undoing.
