Quote from My New Work in Progress

"I reach work and sigh as the ghost of her blonde hair evaporates with the chill of reality. One would think ghosts give the icy feeling in their presence. Maybe it is their absence which truly haunts"

What do you think? I cannot wait to get finished with this book. It's tentative name is Release Me.

Paperback!!

http://www.amazon.com/Imagine-When-Jamie-Proctor/dp/1492283789/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_pap?ie=UTF8&qid=1378661596&sr=8-1&keywords=imagine+when

Today is the Release Day!

Sometime today, Imagine When will be available on Amazon! I am so excited, actually there aren't really words to describe it. Now, I need to get working on my next book. It is in progress already, so maybe it won't take me too terribly long.
Thanks to everyone who waited so patiently!

 http://www.amazon.com/Imagine-When-ebook/dp/B00ELFL4JQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376662522&sr=8-1&keywords=imagine+when+jamie+proctor

Yay! Copyright!

Good news! I have submitted the final draft of Imagine When for copyright. Now, all I need is a cover and the book will be available on Amazon! Woot!

Padme's Perspective

I wrote this story as an assignment from a mentor. I thought I'd share in case I have any fellow Star Wars fans.:)

I woke up and tears were streaming down my face. That never happened to me until recently. Putting my feet on the marble floor I made my way to the balcony off the bedroom. I took in the scene before me and it was breathtaking. The sun was just starting to peak over the horizon and the colors played off the windows of all the buildings in the city.

My tears were drying into tracks, and they made my face feel tight. The dream was the same as it always was. I was chasing him. The ironic thing about that was that he was asleep in our bed, beside me. Apparently, that small fact didn’t matter to my heart. The chase took me over incredibly jagged rocks, and although my feet were bleeding, and although you weren’t supposed to feel pain in your dreams, the pain I felt was in my heart. I was so incredibly sad.  I needed him and he just wouldn’t stop, or even slow down and wait for me. He was leaving me behind.

I stood there awhile, my heartbeat slowing, and I gained some perspective. It wasn’t long until I felt his arms slide around my middle. They had to reach a lot farther than normal, considering we were expecting a baby. It was here, in his arms, that I felt most at home. It was as if we fit together like the pieces of a puzzle. I had to believe that though our love was not allowed, we were meant to be together nevertheless. There had to be something greater than us that designed him for me.

I knew he’d been having nightmares too. His were so bad he tossed and turned and cried out. The bags under his eyes had gotten progressively worse over the last few weeks. He told me not to worry, but I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t know how to help him, but I knew I would keep my dreams to myself rather than worrying him with them too.

I relaxed back into him and sighed. His arms wrapped tighter. “Good morning, Wife.” He loved to say that in private because the fact that we were married wasn’t public knowledge. I loved hearing him say it.

“I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Your absence never lets me sleep easily.” I knew how that felt. He was gone more than he was home. We had short windows of opportunity between his missions. I didn’t sleep as well when he was gone either. It wasn’t just that I was worried that he may not come home, although that was a major concern of mine. No, it was more like half of me was gone, and it was hard to sleep that way.

I turned so that I was pressed into his neck. He smelled like him. I wished this would last forever. I wanted to get out of the city and go to our special place, the place we fell in love and got married, the place I wanted to raise our child. Everything here was too chaotic and unsettling.

I pulled my head back a little so that I could see his eyes. They were still looking out at the horizon. When they met mine I saw something in them that made my heart ache. My husband was scared. He didn’t get scared. Generally, everything was in his control. Some called him “The Chosen One” and he strived to be that. It scared me. “Another dream?” He didn’t speak, just nodded his head. “I’m going to be okay, Ani. You have to know that.” Again, he said nothing. His dreams were of me dying. They scared him because it was something that he couldn’t control.

Too quickly his arms left their place around me and my husband prepared to leave the house for work. I couldn’t explain it clearly, but I was filled with a sense of foreboding, as if I was the one with premonitions. But, I wasn’t, Ani was.  When he left, I knew everything was about to change, I just didn’t understand how. I just wanted him to come back, put his arms back around me, and let the world take care of itself.

 I was restless all day. I had no explanation for it. As far as I knew, Ani was in town and not in danger. There came a point in the late afternoon when I felt something in my world shift. Something was very very wrong. I hoped Ani was okay. It was a very scary feeling not to know if the one you loved more than anything was safe.

I waited for him to come home. I wanted so much for my fear to be for nothing. I lay on our bed and I thought about Ani when he was a boy. He had such a hunger for life. He carried that on in his later years. However, I also thought of when his mom died and he was unreachable. He felt that way now sometimes when he talked about not letting me die. I had chosen to forget about that side of him until now. It was a little disconcerting to think of it now.

I was so relieved when he arrived home. He said he came to check on me and the baby, but that he couldn’t stay. He told me some things that were really hard to believe, but he was my husband and I didn’t doubt him. The chancellor gave him a mission, and he had to leave immediately, but he said when he returned, everything would be different. I didn’t know what that meant, but I knew I was scared about everything.

Although Ani had told me things would be better, I wasn’t so sure. It seemed to me that the democracy we had spent our lives fighting for was disintegrating around me. I hoped my husband was confused, that he had been misled. 

It got so much worse when Ani’s best friend and mentor arrived at our house looking for him. He told me that Anakin had changed sides, that he had done unspeakable things. I couldn’t, wouldn’t believe that the man I loved, the man I knew so well, could have changed so dramatically. But, I had felt a shift in him, hadn’t I? I’d had those horrible dreams about him going somewhere without me and not allowing me to follow, hadn’t I? I felt the panic that I did when dreaming those dreams. I felt it rising up, and I couldn’t sit still. I had to find him. I needed him to enfold me in the home of his arms and make this whole mess make sense. I just knew he would.

Ani told me where his mission would take him, so I decided to find him. The flight there was the hardest of my life so far, and I’d come in close proximity to death quite a few times. When we arrived I sat on the ship for a few seconds trying to ground myself and remember who I was. I loved Ani, loved him with my entire soul, but I had to be true to myself too. I’d dedicated my life to democracy, to my ideals, I knew that was part of me, and I couldn’t part with it, not for anything.

When I saw him, it was as if I had been taking a bath in ice water and I was finally able to get out. I ran straight to his arms. He would tell me that there was a huge misunderstanding, that Obi-Wan was wrong. But, very quickly it became clear that something was wrong. The words coming out of his mouth were in his voice, but they weren’t words I could wrap my mind around.  The things he said were not in line with the things we had always worked so hard for, together.  He was not denying the accusations. In fact, he had done the horrifying things that Obi-Wan said he had. The worst part was that he was saying that he did it for me. How could he believe I would want this? He knew me so much better than this. Why would he use our love to justify this horror?

I backed out of my place in his arms. I’m sure he sensed my need to put distance between us, and he stiffened, became angry. It was just like my dream. He was going down a path, only as much as I loved him, I knew it was a direction I could not go. I told him as much. He got so angry. I begged him to stop, to come back to me, but he just became even angrier.

It was then that I saw Obi-Wan had followed me to Anakin. My husband thought I had betrayed him. I saw the anger spark out of control in his eyes and he became violent with me. This was not the man I loved. It was at that moment that I realized there was no going back. Anakin was lost to me. In fact, Anakin was probably just lost. The pain in my heart and the pain my husband was inflicting on me were too much, my body could not take it, and I felt the blackness creeping over my consciousness. I welcomed it.

I don’t know how long I was gone, but when I woke I was in a hospital. I could hear everything everyone said. The medical droids said I was dying. They said they couldn’t figure it out, but I knew why. My life was over when Anakin chose the dark side. I could not live in a world where the man I knew as my greatest hero was the bad guy. I couldn’t live when every waking moment was like my nightmare. It hurt too much.

I slipped in and out of consciousness. I heard the droids say something about delivering the babies. Babies? I didn’t really understand, but soon I was woken by pain in my stomach. I didn’t want to be this awake. It was excruciating, the physical pain, and the pain in my heart. I knew my baby was coming, but he or she would be raised in an entirely different world than the one in which I lived.

Obi-Wan was there, at least there was some semblance of normalcy. I knew I was screaming and crying, but I couldn’t seem to stop it. It was unbearable. Soon, Obi-Wan held my son so that I could see him. Something was wrong though. It still hurt so much. I had picked out names for both a boy and a girl, and since I wouldn’t be here to see this precious angel grow up, I knew I could at least give him a name. I could contribute something. Part of me wanted to get better for this little boy, but I knew it was too late. There was no getting better. I looked at Obi-Wan, I told him, “Luke.” He nodded, he understood.

The pain was still crashing in on me in waves, and soon Obi-Wan was looking at a second baby. They told me it was a girl. I started crying harder. My babies wouldn’t have a mother or a father. What had Anakin and I done? Why was our love not enough? Why wouldn’t we be moving to Naboo and raising our babies together? The pain in my stomach stopped, but suddenly the pain in my heart was overwhelming. I told Obi-Wan, “Leia.”

As much as I knew it was over for me, I hoped that maybe someday Anakin would be able to be the man I knew he was. Maybe he would get better and raise our children. I told Obi-Wan what I knew, and that was; the man I loved was still there, he couldn’t be completely gone. Maybe they could bring him back, the babies and Obi-Wan, but I felt the darkness enveloping me again, and I surrendered to it. I wouldn’t be the one to help him. I couldn’t help anyone now. Love had been my undoing.

Stephen King Quote that Hit Home

This quote exactly sums up why I started writing. I could not have said it better myself. I still have these things to say that sometimes seem like words cannot do justice. That is the writer's job. Make them come as close as you can to the things in your head. The better you do that, the more people recognize your heart in your work.
“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”
― Stephen King, Different Seasons

 

Imagine When-Backstory

I'm not entirely sure where I found the inspiration for the entire story. There are some things I do know. Lindsay and Nate's relationship was inspired by a couple I knew when I was a kid. I'm not sure whether they made it or not, but I wanted their story to have a happy ending, so in my head, I gave them one.
There were so many aspects I took from around me. I meshed a couple of my best friends into the character of Jessica. I took names from my real life, Tristan, Lainey (Laney), Jessica, etc. I added the character of Kyle because Asperger's is something I live and breathe on a day to day basis, and I am always promoting awareness. American military is a big component of my family's history and it was just natural to incorporate that element. WWII is very intriguing to me, and I hope other people want to consider what it was like to live through things like that.
Mostly the story just came to me in bits and pieces. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that I took some advice from Hemingway and enjoyed wine while writing.Quote I wrote for awhile, got distracted by Pinterest. I wrote some more, got distracted by kids saying, "Moooommmmm." Which incidentally always sounds like this to me. "Mooommmm" I wrote some more, got distracted by this book or that one. Have you read, Gone Girl? It is amazing. I digress. Anyway, I wrote when I had time, I edited as I went. I spent much much more time editing than writing. The writing was actually easy. And then, Voila, the book was finished.